Saturday, December 19, 2009

Anggapan orang2 bodoh

Azhar: Batuk, Batuk.... lama betul aku tak update...

Habuk: Ingat ko da tanak datang....

Azhar: Aku nak update la...

Habuk: Takpayahla...

Azhar: Suka hati aku la...

Habuk: Bole aku tanya satu soalan?

Azhar: Apahal?

Habuk: Apsal ko itam?

Azhar: Apsal ko tanye?

Habuk: Muka ko macam india la...

Azhar: Aku mmg india...

Habuk: Tapi ko solat...

Azhar: India tak bley jadi Islam ke?

Habuk: hehe...

Azhar: Bodoh la ko...

Habuk: Ramai orang panggil ko hitam...

Azhar: mana ada ramai? Sorg dua je...

Habuk: Pasal apa diorg panggil ko hitam...?

Azhar: Sebab diorg bodoh... macam ko...

Habuk: Nengok budak tu...

Seorang MAKHLUK CIPTAAN TUHAN #1 lalu di depan AZHAR dan HABUK

Makhluk ciptaan tuhan 1: Manusia Hitam! Manusia Hitam!

Habuk: Ko nengok!

Azhar: Dia takut sebenarnya...

Habuk: Takut ape?

Azhar: Takut dengan aku, pasal tu dia cari something yang dia rasa tak best, and dia exploit la...

Habuk: Ko rasa Hitam tak best ke?

Azhar: Aku tak penah kata... aku OK je...

Habuk: Tapi ko selalu kene ketawa...

Azhar: Biarlah orang2 bodoh tu masuk neraka...

Habuk: Oooooo

Azhar: Uhuk (batuk) bila ko nak blah ni?

Habuk: Aku penunggu blog ko la...

Azhar: Nak kate ko bodoh pun tak boleh, ko habuk... takde otak...

Habuk: erk.. betul tu...

22 tahun aku hidup kat MALAYSIA... bende yang sama juga org persoalkan lagi dan lagi dan lagi.... Aku bersyukur lahir kat Malaysia, aku tanak duduk kat negara lain... tapi kalau rakyat Malaysia (yang mengatakan tanah yang aku pijak ni milik nenek tok ayah mereka) brainwash aku kata aku tetamu yang tak diundang kat negara aku sendiri, macam mana aku ada rasa setia untuk aku menyumbang pada negara aku sendiri...?

Kalau kaji Sejarah betul2, dia org yang kata tanah ni tanah tok ayah dia org tu pun tak tau perkara sebenar... kadang2 aku kesian.., tapi baik aku kesian kat diri aku sendiri...

Yang dianggap bodoh, oleh mereka yang sangat bodoh...

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Revelations in many roles

I shouted as though my lungs were hurting when it strikes me that Theater class has ended. I was very relieved, the whole time when i was still in the period of hating the class, i forced to look for the silver linings - there must be one, at least one...

When it ended, i actually took a moment - yes, Azhar takes moments - and look at my group members, we did good, we were awesome. We had fun at the end game. I realised a lot of things, learning experience is what i describe theater class now, before it ended i described it as @&%$#@ experience. Learning experience, not just about theater, but about communities and people and myself. I mean, one thing about theater is that - i was forced to hld several roles at a time, and with each roles i learn one thing, and here - i want to break the roles one by one;

Azhar Khan as a Friend

Oh yeah, we fought in our own group, i know now that i dont know how to socialise, i have the social skills of an iguana. I messed up a lot in the group, and sometimes the people that were affacted by the mess i made can either be patient or act out. They say i have problems explaining myself (thus similarities between me and an iguana, have you ever seen an iguana socialise?). So, this is what ihave to learn --> Socialising 101: Its effects and when to limit oneself

Azhar Khan as a Manager

Oh dear, I am a mess. I am the royal incarnation of everyone who has ever been called a klutz. I have this problem that i always pushed my worries into the subconscious and i wont think about it again. And that is what i did with my group. I have problems also to manage people, i mean, i have to hold on to the fact that i cant make everyone happy right? Alas, i tried and failed miserably, either i needed to be mean and be hated by my group members and make the theater a succes, or just shut up and drink in every crap my group members threw my way and make the theater a flop. I dare say i did a little bit of both, and the theater turn out to be a succes... that is what i called nasib baik. But, we paid our dues, we wroked hard for that succes man, you have noooo idea....

Azhar Khan as a Director

I am not as creative as i think i am! Yeah sure i told my actors on where to exit and where to enter, but it will result in confusion still, even i had taken sometime off to sit and think of my often stupid decisions. Off telling how my actors should act? Here comes another problem... should i pushed them? or should i not? Telling the crew of what to do is also depressing. Off all the theaters, i think my group have the simplest lighting directions and music (i have only four music, how little is that?) but still it results in chaos while we are rehearsing - thank god everything went perfect for the final performance. I am so scared of telling people what to do, need to be more brave...

Azhar Khan as an Actor

Are you kidding me? Sure i got the award for best actor when i was 11, but come on! i had only 2 lines for a five minutes play, and other boys were all extras, there was no other actors, of course i got that award. Now, i was confused with my own character which i have created myself, what should i be, how should i speak? Are you kidding me? I cant act, the iguana can act better than me. The important thing is that i tried, and some people (who i think are really nice) actually said they liked me (even when i only have like 5 lines).

Azhar Khan as a Scriptwriter

This i enjoyed the most. I love doing this, and when people actually said they liked it, i am so relieved, the feelings is as though an iguana can finally fly or smile. When the lecturer asked me to cut a lot of scenes i was sad as hell, you see, i have this weird relationship with things that i write, it is just that, well, ok i Love them, it is like my baby, so who likes to hear that their babies needs tweaking. Okay, okay, i know, i am weird.

So, those was the many roles that i had when i was doing the course. Damn, i learnt a lot, and hate to admit!

Habuk:  Laa... tu la pasal, sape suruh ko gile kuasa

Azhar: Suka hati aku la.... ko sibuk apasal?

Habuk: Nengok macam aku, satu je role aku; lepak kat blog ko yang busuk

Azhar: Kuang ajo! huiiiisssshhhhhh (tiup)

Habuk: I'll be back!

Friday, October 9, 2009

Habuk dan aku

Azhar: Uhuk... uhuk (batuk)... mak aih, apsal dah berhabuk da blog aku ni?

Habuk: Pasal ko da lama tak update la... aku buat la sarang...

Azhar: aish... sapa bagi ko kebenaran masuk plak?

Habuk: Aik... aku nengok takde sape... aku masuk la... cam best je dok sini...

Azhar: Aih ko... memang nak kene ni... aku busy je la... tu aku takde masa nak update blog tu...

Habuk: Ah... alasan... cakap je la ko pemalas! Pemalas!

Azhar: oih... melampau kau ni... da la ko masuk kawasan aku... pastu boleh nak kutuk2 aku...

Habuk: Yang ko tak reti nak update blog ko apsal?

Azhar: Oih, ko sape? Perlukan aku explain pada ko... ko bukan sesape untuk aku...

Habuk: Kalo camtu... baik aku terus stay kat sini...

Azhar: Baik ko blah...

Habuk: Tanak!

Azhar: Ish ko... aku tiup ko je kang ko pegi hinggap kat blog orang lain...

Habuk: Aku tak berani la blog orang lain...

Azhar: apsal?

Habuk: orang lain cam banyak pengaruh... kau macam sikit je... bukan ramai pun follow blog ko... hehehe... kalau aku hinggap blog orang lain, aku kene serang ramai-ramai... ko takde sape nak back up...

Azhar: uish ko... melampau betul... nasib baik ko habuk... kalo ko adalah orang, sudah lama aku piat telinga ko...

Habuk: so aku stay kat sini k...

Azhar; Ko ni... tak berseri blog aku berhabuk... blah!

Habuk: Ala...

Azhar: Blah!

Habuk: Tanak!

Azhar: Huuuiiissshhh (aku meniup)

Habuk: Aku berterbangan ni... but aku akan datang balik!!!!!

Bahawasanya perbualan di atas adalah lebih daripada apa yang anda baca... mesej nye ade, selain dari nak memberitahu yang aku dah lama tak update blog.

Thursday, September 17, 2009

My Heart Goes Out For You...

Semasa aku drive balik kampung tadi, aku terdengar satu lagu raya ni yang aku bukak full blast kat radio (pasal aku terlampau ngantuk)... probably pasal aku ngah drive, so aku pun menumpukan perhatian aku pada lirik lagu tu...

(Baca dalam keadaan ber-melodi)

Sedang kita bergembira

Jgn lupa yang tiadaaaaa!

aduh, tetiba aku terasa sedih, hari raya - walaupun aku da tak dapat duit raya, dan susah nak beli mercun, tapi ia adalah satu hari yang aku masih lagi rasa happy nye, terasa macam nak melompat tetiap pagi raya... kalau boleh aku nak tetiap hari jadi hari raya.

Tapi aku terkenang dekat kawan/kenalan aku sume yang dah mengalami peritnye kehilangan org yang mereka sayang. Aku tak pernah rasa lagi, Alhamdulillah, aku honestly tak dapat bayang apa perasaan aku nak lalu pagi raya tanpa org yang aku sayang, aku sendiri tak boleh comprehend betapa pedihnye hati aku nanti - sebab aku tahu hari itu akan datang.

Kebanyakan kawan2 aku dah merasa perasaan ini, aku tak dapat bayangkan apa yang mereka lalu. Aku cuma boleh kata sabar, tapi aku pun tak paham camne nak sabar. Honestly, seeing some of them talk about their loss openly telah menyebabkan aku nengok diorang in a different light - lebih berani, lebih kuat, lebih layak untuk dihormati.

Sebenarnya, aku nak taknak fikir bende ni semua, aku nak sambut raya aku in total ignorance that someday i may leave the world and never see my mother or my nieces again, i want to live in total ignorance to the fact that i may have to not see my parents again until the day i die. My heart is breaking everytime i am away from them, will i have the strength to face everyday without the knowledge of me having the freedom to lay my eyes on them whenever i want... God, i am not ready for that.

But, aku mahu sambut raya dengan gembira, tapi aku takkan lupa kepada yang sudah tiada, kepada yang dah rasa kehilangan, my heart goes out for you - aku tahu aku tak paham - so aku akan doakan untuk korang, aku akan doakan untuk mereka yang sudah tiada, aku akan doakan untuk kekuatan korang...

aku tahu aku tak patut mintak bende ni, but when the time comes, doakan untuk kekuatan aku, supaya aku boleh jadi kuat macam korang....

Friday, August 28, 2009

Lutut dan Rambut

Perbualan antara 2 kawan aku

Girl1: Waaaa.... nana (bukan nama sebenar) makin vogue ko sekarang!

Girl2: Eh... mana ada... biasa la ni...

Girl1: Dulu ko macam Ana Solehah, apa kes sekarang?

Girl2: Aku da clash ngan balak aku...

Girl1: Ooooo, dulu balak ko suruh pakai tudung ke?

Girl2: Ha... dia suruh aku buat banyak bende... sekarang aku da bebas...

Girl1: Pasal tu la ko tak pakai tudung sekarang...

Girl2: Kalau aku pakai tudung, aku rasa hipokrit, biarlah bila aku pakai tudung time aku ikhlas...

Azhar: ????????????????????

Kenapa Girl2 fikir yang dia akan rasa hipokrit ye? Aku tanya dia...

'ko tau kalo ko tak menutup rambut, leher dan tengkuk ko akan berdosa?'

Girl2: Ah, sudahlah Azhar, ko bukan baik sangat! Ko pun perangai macam sial gak, ada hati nak              nasihat aku! Ini adalah hak aku, badan aku, suka hati aku la nak pakai camne pun...

Korang perasan tak yang dia tak jawap soalan aku? Macam ni lah, mudah je aku nak analogikan bende ni... kalau aku suka minum arak (Untuk yang tak tau, Arak adalah haram - kerana dia memabukkan - kerana mabuk bole membawa kepada perkara2 yang tak boleh blah), dan kalau ada orang marah aku, aku pun jawap yang itu adalah hak aku... boleh ke ye? Arak dan showing off your body ni pun sama haram... kenapa nak wat bende haram n then kata itu adalah hak kita? 

Wow... itulah salahnya... badan kita bukan hak kita beb... itu hak yang Maha Kuasa Tuan punya dunia...

Semua manusia tak perfect dalam dunia ni... takkan Girl2 ni tadi nak tunggu aku jadi macam Rasul (yang memang mustahil la aku nak jadi macam Rasul Allah) baru aku boleh tegur kesalahan dia...

macam ni; kalau ada salah yang aku buat, tegurlah cara baik... kalau ada salah kamu buat, aku akan tegur dengan cara baik... aku akui, aku mmg bukan baik... aku masih lagi tak confident yang aku boleh melepaskan diri dari Azab neraka dalam dunia akhirat nanti... tetapi, jika aku ada kawan yang boleh mengingatkan aku... dan yang mengingatkan tu ramai, mesti aku pun jadi segan nak buat salah juga kan? Kalau semua saling mengingatkan... tak ke sihat komuniti kita?

Ni... ada lagi satu perbualan antara 2 kawan lelaki aku...

Boy1: Lekuk (bukan nama sebenar)! Apsal ko mandi sungai pakai baju ni?

Boy2: Ala... aku malas la bukak baju...

Boy1: Ko ni... macam bapuk la... cuba ko bukak baju... pastu ko pki suar panjang lak... lagi susah              nak berenang!

Boy2: Takpelah... aku tanak tunjuk lutut ngan pusat beb,,, aurat beb...

Boy1: Alamak!!! Poyo la lu bro!!! Bapuk bapuk je lah!

Yang ni pulak camne eh? Ni lah kalau kita ada kawan2 yang tak supportive lagi jahil ni... macam ni la jadi dia... seolah2 usaha boy 2 tersebut adalah salah di sisi undang2 sosial... camne la umat nak maju kalau camni?

Aku penah nengok citer Gol&Gincu, episod di mana salah seorang watak berhenti kerja sebab Boss dia wajibkan dia pakai tudung... dia kata kalau dia nak pakai tudung, biarlah dia ikhlas nak pakai... mmg lah bende tu betul... tapi mana boleh... aurat satu kewajipan... tak perlu tunggu diri ini ikhlas... kena sentiasa pakai... abide apa yang wajib... dah lah bende tu ditanyang kat TV... rosakkan minda kanak2 je... citer cam Muallaf tu ad yang nak ban... tapi citer Gol&Gincu tu patut kene ban.. 

ah.. tetiba aku jadi serius plak... Ntah la... aku cuma boleh berharap supaya org yang berfikir camne aku describe dalam dua perbualan tadi boleh nampak some sense....

Friday, August 21, 2009

This is what I know of Love

A few days ago, my lecturer asked my classmates and I what is the meaning of Love. It seemed like it was fate because I have just moved into the indifferent phase after a recent heartbreak (again!)… very recent, it was just two days before my lecturer asked us this question that I could hear my heart breaking.

So, I thought I want to take the safe way out, I want to write a very analytical concept about love, to show people as though I didn’t crave it. But my more dramatic side forces me to write something from my heart – at the time when I was writing, I thought that it was suppose to be in a written form, I did not know that my lecturer would soon ask me to read it out loud for everyone to hear, just wanted to share with you, this is what I wrote;


I think I don’t know what love is; I don’t how to describe it. But this is what I know of love;

I think, it is the feeling that I have whenever I think of my mother, it is the painful feeling that I felt, whenever I see my sisters are in pain. It is the pride when I know my brothers excel. It is the guilt that I feel, when I came to know of my father’s sacrifices and how I dare to call him unfeeling (my father is my hero!) It is the appreciation that I have for every drop of my mother’s sweat just to put clothes on my back.

It is the guilt that I felt every time I had to scold my nieces. It is the strangely warm/safe feeling that I have every time I think of my mother. It is the regret I feel whenever I think that I am to shy to hug my father. It is the guilt that I have when I have to tell my sister off when she wanted to call me during my lecture time. It is the guilt that I have every time I made my mother cry. It the breaking of my heart whenever I heard my nieces shouted my name to save them from whatever fear they are going through – be it a moving lorry or a dark room.

This is what I know of love – all those feelings.


Only a few people were called to read what they have written about love. I don’t know why my lecturer wanted to call me, before my turn – I have read what I wrote over and over again to practice my unfeeling-ness so that I wont cry when I read it out loud. But when it was my turn, I started to read, and I could not move on, I stopped at the word ‘mother’ and her image came to my mind. I felt a lump in my throat – I was about to cry. But I was determined to not cry in front of my whole judgmental classmates. I moved on, stopped every time when I reached at words like ‘Nieces, father, sisters or brothers’. The action of crying has been substituted to the major nervousness. My feet were shaking to the point that I can’t stand, I had to shake them to shake off the nerve in my feet. My hand were trembling to the point that my classmates in the front row were gaping. But I managed not to cry. Half of my classmates did not understand what I wrote because how i breath and stopped while i was reading it (mostly because i was trying not to cry), some of them came up to me and said ‘I nearly cried’. 

I just that – I cannot comprehend what love is. Being a major failure on relationships with girls – having my heart break time and time again by girls. So my family is the only reference of how I ‘feel’ when I love somebody. I think, those are the feelings that represent love – kinda morbid, but this is all I have.  

Saturday, August 15, 2009

BABI! BABI! BABI!

Macam aku abru terbangun dari tidur...

2 tahun lepas, aku ada blajar satu buku ni (Untuk sastera: Aku kan org berseni) Tajuk dia The Lord of the Flies. Lepastu, adalah penulis buku tersebut menggunakan haiwan yang dipanggil babi sebagai satu symbolism untuk student2 sastera macam aku ni figure out apa point dia pakai haiwan tersebut. Aku pun dengan bangganya mengangkat tangan aku supaya lecturer notis aku... (Sebab aku mmg suka tunjuk pandai)...

"The author uses pigs as symbolism to show that the boys' behaviours are downright ugly, as the general pigs' nature... pig are dirty by nature"

Little did I know that dalam usaha aku mencapap itu, aku telah dikecam oleh classmates aku yang bukan beragama Islam. Maksud aku semasa aku cuba sampaikan 'Pigs are dirty by nature' tu adalah cara kehidupan babi-babi tersebut, yang suka bermandi lumpur, yang suka merodok tanah, yang selalu buat bunyi yang kelakar, dan tidak lupa juga pada rupa haiwan tersebut yang tak berapa sedap nak diapandang mata. aku tengah cakap pasal spesis babi hutan la ni, (teringat masa kecik2 aku ngan kawan2 aku terkene kejar ngan babi hutan semasa kami tengah best main guli)

Classmate aku time tu kata aku ni tak reti nak nengok dunia luar dari kacamata budaya aku....

Jeng jeng jeng... hari ini, baru aku paham apa maksud classmate aku.. (2 tahun seh aku nak amek untuk paham, dah kata, aku memang lembap!) 

Maksud classmate aku ni, dia nak kata macam aku ni babi-phobia la... dan aku juga benci pada haiwan tersebut... tapi aku baru nak take offend lebih sikit harini pasal aku rasa apa yang dimaksudkan oleh 'kacamata budaya' tu adalah Islam... agama yang aku cukup bertuah kerana dipilih untuk menganutnya...

Cis, apa yang mereka semua fikir Islam membenci babi? Apalah, walhal Tuan Punya Dunia ini sendiri yang mencipta haiwan tersebut, mengapa perlu aku benci?

Adalah reason mengapa Islam suruh umatnya jangan makan atau sentuh haiwan tersebut tapi tak mahulah aku menerangkan perkara tersebut disini, sebab ini bukan point aku...

Ada dua jenis manusia yang aku nak sampaikan post ini

1. Orang islam yang fobia kepada babi sampai nak sebut perkataan tersebut pun nak tukar jadi ba alif ba ya

2. Orang bukan Islam yang fikir Islam adalah agama yang menyuruh umatnya membenci babi...

Aku terserempak dengan kartun menghina islam semasa aku melayari internet, kartun tu menunjukkan sekumpulan babi memegang sepanduk yang menggambarkan Rasul Allah, dan ada sekumpulan orang yang berserban di depan babi-babi tersebut yang terkejut, terlompat dan marah...

beberapa sentimen dari kartun yang memang macam haram ini;

1. Dia menggambarkan Rasul Allah - ini mmg da lebey la

2. Dia menggambarkan yang umat islam ni babi-phobia...

selain dari nombor satu, umat islam tak patut pun rasa terhina...

aku tak paham, mengapa perlu kita fobia pada binatang tersebut? aku tak fobia pun... kenapa?

kalau ada babi depan aku, kompem aku lari kerana;

1. Aku malas nak samak kalau aku tersentuh

2. aku takut babi tu rodok aku, bole mati wooo

tapi ini semua tak menggambarkan yang kami Umat Islam ini fobia pada babi... so kenapa macam sampai ntv7 dan tv3 sanggup potong scene movie yang ada menggambarkan haiwan tersebut?

Movie adaptasi dari buku Goerge Orwell's Animal Farm telah diharamkan untuk masuk ke malaysia kerana watak2 utamanya adalah babi... tak paham aku (Aku nak nengok, pasala citer tu best) Buku tersebut pun pernah once diharamkan masuk Malaysia...

kenapa? kenapa semua ini berlaku? Kenapa sampai gambaran haiwan ini pun nak dipotong? Kenapaaaaaaa (Dramatik sikit).

Kepada yang bukan Islam, kami tak benci babi, Agama kami tak menyuruh kami membenci apa2 pun... kepada yang Islam... nape korg nak benci weh? cuba ko nengok betul2, anak babi tu comel... mak bapak dia je yang menakutkan....

Justifikasi aku kepada statement yang aku buat dua tahun lepas;

even curse word pun ade perkataan Babi, baik muslim atau non-muslim pun akan offended kalau kita panggil dia babi... so betul la babi is dirty? tak salah kan apa aku cakap? kalau salah, kenapa korang marah kalo org panggil kau babi? kenapa? kenapaaaaaaa? (Dramatik lagi)

Semua ini pasal tu la... tak de sape nak paham culture orang lain, tu jadik camni ni, sume dok bangga ngan bangsa sendrik, sampai hal remeh pasal babi pun nak gadoh, sampai tergerak aku nak wat post pasal bende ni... kalo kita saling memahami... takde la jadi camni... betul?

Monday, July 20, 2009

Off Being Gay...

There was one time when I finished my form 5, I went to work as a cashier. So usually cashiers are females, I was the only male cashier there – or at least I thought I was. When I was still in my training, I asked my trainer about my all-female colleagues, there was this one ‘Akak’ who did caught my attention, she was tall and thin and beautiful – and she turns out to be a guy! 

I was so shocked, being a 17 year old at that time, my horny-ness always urged me to fantasize about girls, and that ‘akak’, - before I knew he was a guy – have visited my dreams for quite sometime. Only after I knew, the dreams turns out to be a nightmare – something about a penis sprouting out from someone’s vagina – told you, a nightmare right? How much pressure can you put on a 17 year old?

So anyway, when I started going to college four years ago, my eyes was more exposed to these ‘girls who turns out to be a guy’ thing. I was educated by some of them that there are guys who looks like guys but looking for guys. Honestly, I don’t really understand. Most of us don’t understand how guys can look for penis rather than boobs… most of us turns a blind eye if we know that our friends enjoys sexual pleasure from a same sex partner.  

Some of these ‘guys who love guys’ people are discriminated, at some time they were abused, another time they were mocked at, some certain time they were raped (?) by some of the straight guys. Sometimes, they were approached by a religious group asking them to stop being gay – this brings me to the next question – Is being a homosexual a choice?


                       Which one would you choose? Megan or Brad?  
                                                                 
If it was a choice, why do these people choose to be one? Are they mad? I honestly don’t understand how can a guy reject boobs – (Imagining Megan Fox running in slow-motion, in a tight see-through white shirt, without any bra on – oh my God!) The idea of a naked Megan Fox can make any guy crosses their leg, so how can some guys turn down the idea of a naked Megan Fox and opt for a naked Brad Pitt instead? So, is it really a choice? If I was given a choice – Megan Fox, HERE I COME!!! 

Some of the Homosexual guys that I know said that, they were that way since the day they were born. Huh, is it really inborn, did God really make them that way? Some religious group told me that that this is not the case. Making love to a same sex partner is a sin, so is it true that the feelings are inborn? 

There is this Movie – Sutun, which had made me, opened my eyes about the homosexuals. (You should really watch the movie):

 It is said in this movie, the boy, who is homosexual – after being rejected by the Man who is also his tutor. Went back crying and he did the Solat Sunat Taubat.  Then he sat, thinking how can he overcome the feelings, he decided to accept the Feelings but never to indulge in it again, he said it is Jihad, ‘Jihad Melawan Nafsu’ means War to go against his desires. Since most religion condemns the same sex relationship.

This is when I got thinking. We always have problems right? Out of Money, family members or best friends dying, broken up with boyfriend/girlfriend – but it is a common understanding that all problems are actually tests from God to see how much faith do we have in Him. So, I think, God loves people with these ‘same sex’ desires more, he gave the feelings to them to test them 24/7 how much faith do these people have in Him, how long can they stand before they commit a sin, and do they repent if they do. Every time when we have problems, we have the tendencies to resort to do something stupid – which is always sinful, so for these ‘Homo’ guys, will they resort to do something sinful?

My conclusion is, if there is any ‘Homo’ guys out there, you are actually blessed, you have problems in which when you have patience against – you are given rewards more than you think. After all, we are not living for this world, we are living for the next.

For the people who think that they are normal, don’t abuse/discriminate/rape these people. Help them to stay strong against the feelings, because indulging in it is wrong, turn a blind eye as a friend committing a sin is also sinful. Let’s help these heroes, Mana tau dapat sikit-sikit tempias pahala diorg?

“Allah tidak membebani seseorang melainkan apa yang terdaya olehnya. Dia mendapat pahala kebaikan yang diusahakannya, dan dia juga menanggung dosa kejahatan yang diusahakannya.”
                                                                                                                        (Surah Al-Baqarah: 286)

   


Thursday, July 2, 2009

Mengapekah colour kulit aku dihakimi?

Kenape mesti colour kulit aku nak kene judge?

4 tahun lepas, semasa aku berkerja sebagai seroang cashier yang berjaya di sebuah hypermarket di kampungku, zaman ini adalah zaman Jaclyn Victor baru menang Malaysian Idol. Penuh corong radio dok mendendangkan lagu dia Gemilang - aku yg memang berminat ngan Jaclyn Victor penat menghafal lagu tu - takde la menghafal cam aku menghafal sifir 9, aku hafal pasal aku asik dengar je.

Nak disebutkan kisah, radio kat tempat kerje aku time tu tak habis2 mendendangkan lagu Gemilang tersebut. Sampai la kalau aku tengah melayan customer pun mulut aku boleh masih terkumat kamit menyanyi lagu tu jugak (takdela kuat sgt). Sampai la muncul seorang makcik ni nak membayar, aku pun melayan la makcik ni sambil mulut aku menyanyi... tetiba je makcik ni tercakap;

'Eh, pandai anak india sekarang nyanyi lagu melayu kan?'

Aku terdiam, ish, takkan la aku sorg je kot anak india yang boleh nyanyi lagu melayu? Aku tergamam jap, tangan aku pun turut berhenti dari nak scan barang yang makcik tu nak beli. Pastu aku senyum la, tak taw ape aku nak jawap, umo aku 17 mase tu, mentah lagi (haha).

'Selalu ke dengar lagu melayu?'

'Selalu jugak la MakCik' Aku menjawap sambil tersenyum tanpa ikhlas.

'Wah, anak cakap takde slang india kan?'

ish makcik ni, sume India cakap mesti ade slang ke? Same je la kalo org melayu cakap tamil mesti ade slang lain. Kenape la mak aku tak ajar aku cakap tamil, rase rugi tau tak?

'Anak ni, orang melayu ke bela?'

aku hanya mampu mengelengkan kepala, bila la barang makcik nak abes ni?

'Tak sangka org india pun minat nyanyi lagu melayu' MakCik tu sambung lagi...

'Er... MakCik, Jaclyn Victor pun india makcik... tapi dia nyanyi lagu melayu' aku membalas....

Aku pelik lepas makcik tu belah, aku pandang sekelilingku - ntah berapa ramai yang fikir aku tak pandai berkata dalam bahasa kebangaan Malaysia ini... oh aku sayangkan bahasa Melayu... tapi kenapa pasal kaler kulit aku org fikir aku bangang ha? Tipu la kalo kate org india tak pandai cakap bahasa melayu... jangan la stigma kan... tensen betul aku...

Aku ade membe ni, nama dia Siamala, seorang anak India jugak macam aku, tapi kelebihan dia adalah dia pandai bertutur dalam bahasa tamil (masih lagi tensen yang mak aku tak ajar aku bahasa tamil). Tapi korg nak tau tak? dia masuk debat bahasa melayu kot... dan bole plak dia menang... so? apa masalahnye lagi? kenape nak cakap 'wow, seorg india masuk debat... hebat!' La... dia org malaysia gak... macam kau dan aku... komfem la dia bole memperhebatkan diri dalam bahasa melayu....

Ni la, orang malaysia ni tak abes2 nak pikir yang bahasa tu milik satu bangsa, agama milik satu bangsa... weh... sume bende tu tuan punye dunia yang punye la! Sume org bole gunakan bahasa tu... sibuk ngan identiti... naik bosan aku... rilek2 sudah... sukati aku la kalo aku ni india nak ckp bahasa ape pun... ish ta paham aku..

Ntah la... sampai kekadang bile aku masuk masjid pun ade orang tegur aku ni muallaf ke... la... takkan la aku sorang je yang bermuka tak macam melayu masuk masjid... takkan la agama islam tu org melayu punye?

Mase aku tunggu bas haritu kan... tetiba ade satu mamat india ni... dia da pandang aku senyum2 da... aku ingat dia syok kat aku.. meremang gak la bulu roma aku... (sebab aku bukan gay) pastu tetiba dia datang dekat... aku tau la aku ensem... tapi aku ingat dia tertarik kat aku... rupanya dia nak check aku ni bangsa ape...

'Tamil terrimma (tahu bahasa tamil ke)?' Aku paham la yg ni... sebab ni mudah sgt...

'Sikit2' Aku balas dalam bahasa melayu... mmg sumpah aku ta pandai cakap... mak aku org tamil, bapak aku benggali... dua2 cakap bahasa lain... pasal tu la diorg decide bahasa melayu sbg bahasa kebangsaan dalam umah aku.

Pastu dia ketawakan aku... aku da tak puas hati... apsal lak ni? Aku cam nak hagul je pale mamat ni kat tiang. Pastu adla plak membe aku kat sebelah aku ni (Yang ngah tunggu bas ngan aku la) mnyuarakan pendapat;

'Dia ingat dia sedare ko'

Ish, mmg la aku ngan mamat tu serupa, sebangsa, bole plak dia nak ketawekan aku ta pandai cakap bahasa tamil (makin membuak tensen aku kat mak aku pasal tak ajar aku bahasa tamil)

Tapi ntahla... aku pun, yang lahir dalam keluarga campur pelbagai identiti ni tersangat la kompius, kenapa mesti nak maintain identity yang mempunyai ciri solid yang takleh nak tukar...? Tuan punye dunia cipta bende ni dalam keadaan pelbagai supaya kita berusaha mengenal dan menimba ilmu (motivasi ku) bukan untuk kita declare yang sesuatu ciri itu milik kita?

Walhal badan/body kita yang hot ni pun hanyalah pinjaman dari tuan punye dunia... bukan milik kita... lagilah bahasa dan bangsa...

bodo betul org yang judge aku paki kaler kulit aku... tensen...

Monday, June 29, 2009

Perception, performance and reputation

You know, I was sitting around at home, being a very effective couch potato when my mind wanders back into my memories of myself when i was in standard six.

A week before the UPSR, my crazy Math teacher made a 'latih tubi' week. It was like, we have to go to school and spend our time answering math questions... it was like a test that would never end!

However, my teacher made the tests very interesting, he created a chart, for every test, who got the highest and second place and the third, and those who etched their name on the big noticeboard in front of the hall will get praises like they'd never heard - I was striving to have my name there, it was like you can be popular if you have your name on the chart! (Who'd thought being a Math whizz can make you cool?)

I tried really hard untill one day, suddenly after my arduos math-cramming - I made it into the chart - and I etched my name as the number 1 of the day! Suddenly the thought of maintaning the position got into my head - I was willing to make anything to maintain my name in the chart.

There were these two frineds, who always made it into the chart, but they always cheated! They would send notes through their erasers to each other to communicate - after i got my name up in the chart, cheating was the only way for me to maintain myself. SO before the next test, i told the two friends that I want in into their little scheme - and I did.

So, i think God wants to punish me for thinking those evil thoughts, when my friend threw his eraser to me, my teacher - I think he appeared in the mid throw magically! - caught it! And guess what? My dumb of a friend actually wrote my name on the eraser, and I was caught, not only that, the teacher actually announced it to everyone, and get this - because my name was on the eraser - my name was the only one mentioned, oh the horror.

Anyway for that test, I did not make it to the chart, actually my marks for that test was absolutely horrendous, I got 42% (yes, I remembered). And when my teacher was passing out the marks, he actually said to his colleague and in front of my classmates

'See what he got from the test, this is what he could do without cheating'

Yeah, I cried...

Anyway, if you think that wasn't bad enough, here's one better. I was actually clever in primary school - I always aced my test - only that math was not my favourite - in fact i hate math! That is why when the chart was created only for math, i want to maintain my fame even there. Well, my classmates lost their faith in me, they said that I always cheated to aced my other tests. That actually hurt me - a lot.

The news of that little incident made its way all the way to my mom's ears - who is always brutal when it comes to marks, well I have said there brutal, so you can only imagine what happend to me afterwards.

I was at the finish line, we were there - about to take the UPSR, I was a star in primary school, but my reputation tarnished moments before i crossed the finish line just because i made that one mistake!

It was funny really, how the perception of people changed after you made a mistake, but who can blame them? I was wrong.

One little slip, and that was it! Reputation was everything back then, and i screwed mine up!

Monday, May 4, 2009

The Amount of Love

We are all busy with life. Sometimes even when we are doing nothing, our mind will think about politics, sex, money, gossips. We all have problems, like 'I got B- for my Reading Class', or 'I have run out of money'. But, sometimes, let us stop - stop thinking, stop doing anything, rest for a while, and close our eyes. Without you thinking, the most important picture comes into your mind - pictures of people you love. I am going to be way so sentimental here. I watched a video on YouTube. It is about a letter from a father named Matt to his son Eliot. You see, when Eliot was still in his mother's womb, the doctor said that he wouldn't last long. So the parents decided to record everything, every bits of his life. Everyday, they celebrated his birthday, and they kept saying that they were proud Eliot can get through the days. Eliot needs to be taken care and observe 24/7. His parents made shifts to take care of them. Eliot lived for only 99 days. The parents let go of 99 balloons on his funeral - to symbolise all the days that Eliot had lived. It made me think - how much can a person loved someone? When you think about the people you love, despite their really bad personalities, they are still family, you cannot help but to love them. My nieces came into my life nearly 2 years ago, honestly I was overwhelmed of how much love i felt for the both of them. One of my niece came that day with a sore throat, she could not even speak. I felt really guilty that earlier that week I'd hit her with my own hands because she smacked my computer. I know that hitting her doesn't contribute to the sore throat. But god - what is my lap top compared to my niece? Sometimes I think my problems are big enough for me to keep sighing all day. But i think the only problem in the world that can allow you to be depressed is the amount of love to your family. My niece, is an adopted baby. I can't say how, but I think somehow she knows that her real mother had given her up for adoption. She is really insecure of the way other people treats her. You can see it in her eyes, her face, whenever her cousin got something. She would stop and look, and then continue doing whatever she's doing.

© Picture by AzharKhan
Rasyidah Bashirah Rashidi
Even my heart cannot comprehend the amount of love that I have for her


The Jewish occupation on Palestine, and the thing that they do the Palestinians is unforgivable. I cannot understand how they can have a heart to kill people, those poor kids. I saw a picture once, a group of people tried to pull a girl out from rubbles - she was already dead. Can you imagine how she felt before she died? She must be cared out of her wits, hearing the sounds of explosions, gunshots. Can you imagine how she felt? And if you were there, and you know her, can you imagine your helplessness? And if the little girl asked for your help, can you imagine of what is going to be your answer to her.

My other niece, she had this things with lorries and the sound of their drumming engine. One time, she as at the kitchen, playing with her mother, suddenly came a lorry, moving behind my house. My niece screamed on top of he lungs, and run as fast as she could, she jumped on to of me, and took my hands. She was asking me to protect her from the lorry. Sure,i can protect her from the Lorry, since the Lorry dis not intend to do anything else but to take out the garbage. But what if, what if there was an explosion, and her life was at stake... what could I do to protect her? I could see the fright in her face that day but can i protect her from everything?

© Picture by AzharKhan
Afifah Nuwairah bte Muhammad Zaheer Khan
Even my heart cannot comprehend the amount of love that I have for her

This is my biggest problems in life, that I do not have the strength and patience to love them. I am still overwhelmed by the amount of love that I have for them.

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Notice my Bahasa Melayu?

I have been keeping a blind eye about this.

Since I was attacked by people's comments in some Malaysian famous author's blog, i have been keeping a blind eye about it.

'it' refers to the rise of the GMP, a group of activist who tried their hardest to cease the teaching of Math and Science in English.

look... for the sake of the GMP, let me converse here in BM, the real BM that we use everyday...

Sedih sgt macamane org politik boleh menggunakan pembelajaran budak2 sebagai gerakan politik diorang...

yang jadi mangsanya kite...

Penulis2 tersohor semua sanggup kuar jalan2 macam org tak cukup ilmu kat atas jalan raya tu bajet melindungi bangsa... apa yg diorg dpt? kasik goverment tekejut sekjap.. pastu gerakan tu jadi kayu api untuk membakar wadah politik diorg... ape lagi? slain dapat gas pemedih mate... slain dpat muncul kat muka depan surat khabar tempatan... yang kecohnye tahan tiga hari... ape lagi? bebudak kat skolah tu jadik pandai ke?

yang jadi mangsanya kite...

Kalo diorg bising kalau kita memberi impression kat bebudak (student) yg bahasa melayu bukan bahasa ilmu... daripada dirg dok sibuk2 pi jejalan kat kotaraya bawak sepanduk tak tentu pasal... baik diorg pi habihkan masa, wit dan tenaga pi translate sume ilmu yg dalam bahasa inggeris baik arab baik perancis baik sepanyol baik latin dalam bahasa melayu... martabatkan lah bahasa melayu sebagai bahasa ilmu...

diorg ni sume kuat melatah... (ye, kalo ade org GMP yg baca menealah ni, YES, I AM TALKING ABOUT YOU)... melataaaah je keje... takot sgt ngan bahasa inggeris... yg pemain2 siasah ni pun satu... brani kau memperkotak-katikan mase depan bebudak ni dan juga kami kerna permainan politik ko...

yg jadik mangsanya KITA

tau tak cane yg asalanya cakap inggeis ni bole hebat? Punya la diorg stadi bahasa org lain, dok pegi kota Baghdad tu, curik sume ilmu yang ade pastu diorg translate jadik bahasa diorg... pastu jadik la ilmu untuk diorg aplikasi kan dalam hidup diorg... tu diorg bole ebat tu... kita nak cipta ilmu baru dari tiada kepada ada... usaha baru sekerat dua... baru nak anta satu astronaut ke luar angkasa... nak bising lebih!

Pi la tolong bebudak ni ngan cipta ensiklopedia baru dalam bahasa melayu... cipta la banyak2... kalo ade org kate mmg da ade... aku tampar muka org tu smpi hilang gigi... mmg la da ade... tapi kalo aku tak nampak kat kedai yg aku slalu pegi... maksudnye susah la kanak2 ni sume nak bace... pegi la org2 GMP skalian... tak yah ko nak sibuk2 bising kat telinga pemain siasah tu sume... do buang mase je wat pe?

yg jadik mangsanye kita...

berhentilah oi... dah la... tak payah cari pasal lagi... daripada dok bising2 ni... baik kita concentrate cane nak selamatkan saudara kite kat palestine tu pun lagi bagus... lebih berhikmah... peluang dapat rahmat Tuan punye dunia lagi cerah!

Notice my Bahasa Melayu? With a lot of 'bahasa pasar'? This is how they speak it in this country... a shame to the beauty of the language... GMP, if you really want to save BM... repair this first!

The Colour Pink

© Picture by AzharKhan

O Darkness brags your boring smell,

Come away from my doleful knell,

Ay, Through this hole I solemnly fell,
To me, I see no cure to this tale...



© Picture by AzharKhan

Until then,

When my soul is free,

When I’ve found my answers

When I've regained my steps,

When my hands can freely move,

When my heart allows me to...

Until then,

I will smile again...


Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Flow

© Picture by AzharKhan

A dire need to prove himself,

he wants to dodge the double eyes,

a pair from a friend, a pair to look down for,

He is treading on the floor of lies he built so scrupulously,

leaning on the walls of pretence he defended so fiercely...

yet he is yielding to every thing that he sees...

he is a lie...

A desperate desire to prove himself,

a desire which made him succumbed to hatred,

a desire which has destroyed himself...

Ah... now he is on his knees...

crawling, and crawling and crawling and crawling...

yet he is getting nowhere...

he is full of disappointments...

now and forever....



© Picture by AzharKhan

When the sun goes,
I delved into sadness most.

The day has ended, yet...
I haven't been a person yet.

I dove into the big abyss,
of everything that had gone amiss.

I realised,
That I've ceased to remember,
I need to surrender.


Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Al-Fatihah

Lemony Snicket once describe the surprise of death of a loved one so accurately that I feel obliged to share it here; You know when you are walking up the stairs? You step your feet confidently one by one expecting there will always be a step after another, but suddenly one of the steps is missing, and you fell, with the shock and the horrible sinking feeling in you tummy that would never end - that is how death is, it'll fill you with horrible, horrible surprise that would never end.

A friend's father died two days ago, he was SO young, it was a sudden death and there - I said sudden, it was a shock beyond anything. I could not, I could never wrapped my brain around that idea, losing a parent - I would never understand that, and that is what grieves me - I cannot imagine what my friend is going through, I wanted to understand - but I just cant.

This is one of those times when people say that we should feel the empathy - to put oneself in other's shoes and experienced their pain - believe me, This, is not one of the times.

When you lose a person to death, you are not only losing him, you are losing the IDEA of him, his presence, his idiosyncrasies, himself, and that is what pains me. My friend is one of those people who are VERY attached to his family, and I know he feels the pain thousand times more than I do, and that pains me too.

A few months ago, another friend of mine lost his father, his father have been sick for quite a long time and his father died in front of him, while he was nursing him. His mother died a few years ago and now both of his parents had died - now, this is another idea that my brain just cannot comprehend, I felt sad for my friend but that was just about it.

Scores of my classmates attended my friend's house for the funeral but none of us - none - knows what to say to him, the idea is too alien and I am really, really, really sorry that my friends have to experience it.

Al-Fatihah for
Allahyarham Bakry bin Abu Bakar
and
Condolences to his Family
and my friend.

and to everyone who have lost their loved ones

I Urge You to Think

© Picture by AzharKhan

'Dan katakanlah "Telah datang kebenaran dan hilang lenyaplah kebatilan: sesungguhnya yang batil itu sememangnya suatu perkara yang memang lenyap.'
(al-Israa':81)

© Picture by AzharKhan

'Dan (ingatlah bahawa) kehidupan di dunia ini tidak lain hanyalah
ibarat hiburan dan permainan semata-mata: dan sesungguhnya
negeri akhirat itu ialah kehidupan yang sebenar-benarnya;
Kalaulah mereka tahu'
(al-Ankabut:64)


© Picture by AzharKhan
'Sesungguhnya Tuhanmu sentiasa melimpah-ruah kurnian-Nya kepada manusia tetapi kebanyakan manusia tidak bersyukur'
(an-Naml:73)




Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Women, Feminism and Chauvinists

©Picture by AzharKhan


*When I say 'women' and when I refer to them as 'they' in this posts, it does not mean ALL women, this is just for them who call themselves feminists

My mother - the strongest woman I have ever known - once taught me that I need to respect women, and she emphasized on the fact that I should never hit a woman. I used to wonder why did she taught me that, because when I was small, my sisters (were not perfect) but they were such nice people that I thought my Mother did not have to remind me that - but, when I grew up, I came to know about the existence of feminism, and I thank God that my mother taught me what she taught, because I need the reminder so that I can brace myself against the feminists' pholisophy.

Now, I am not here to say that women are evil, but feminism is. Feminism is a philosophy that was birthed when women in America who fought their hardest to vote. The thing is, feminism was a must when women was still deprived of their rights, I respect(ed) that, but you see, I have never given Feminism a serious attention until one day, when I was in my class (trying my hardest to grasp the idea of linguistic), my female classmates and my lecturer started this talk about women's rights and how chauvinistic men can be.

In the midst of a heated argument, suddenly a male classmate piped in his opinion, which I think was quite rational - If women wanted equality SO much, why men still have to carry heavy things for them? Why men have to open doors for women?

Now, I am not saying that men want to stop being gentlemanly, but I was just wondering why do men still need to play our role as a man if women are not interested in being a woman. In the heated argument, my lecturer suddenly fired a question at us - Why do you boys hate to go to the kitchen so much? Will the act unman you?

I was bewildered... for one, I as a man, loves to go to the kitchen to either eat or cook - because I want to eat. Most men knows how to cook. I admit that there are some men who don't know how to but this is not the case, the thing is - our eastern culture does not define men to stay in the house and ready the household, men's obligation is to bring in the money, and to take care the welfare of his wife, mother, daughters and sisters. At least this is what Islam taught us to do, if taking care the welfare of the wife is to help her cleaning the toilet all by himself, so be it - that is his obligation.

I admit that some men in the past (and present too) are chauvinistic, they deprived women of their rights to even to speak just because they are the weaker sex, so women learn how to be strong, until to the extent that in some countries when men have stop depriving women of their rights, women still have their feminist movement - they do not want to cook anymore, they want to bring in the money - fine, but they still have some obligations to fulfilled, when my lecturer asked me that question, it tells me something, women are actually ashamed of their own roles, they think their responsibilities are second-classed by what men do. They think that cooking is not as good as doing some jobs outside and bring in the money in, they call this patriarchal.

Now the feminist situation is even as bad as when a man replace a pregnant woman in a corporate office, they say that it is sexism. They would say that 'Why do I have to be replaced just because I am on a labor leave?'

PRIORITIZE please, your biggest role is to be a mother, not a worker, why would women think that being a mother is secondary that being a worker? I would never understand this, this is not sexism, this is common sense. When some women stop working and become a mother full-time, other women would say that they are stupid and submitting to the laws of a chauvinist...

Dramatic much?

The point here is (before some women will come out to get me), women sometimes are campaigning even to those who are not chauvinistic. Both men and women are born with their own respective roles, own up to it, embrace it, and do not ask more that what you can actually do.

So It Begins

I just hope the posts here will provoke thoughts and will hopefully create changes...