But somehow, i think that writing it all down will help me to feel better.
Nearly 200 Malaysians that i know of for the time being r sharing a similar fate.
Around January last year, each and everyone of us were very excited, we thought that in 5 months time, we FINALLY could stop from being a student. And then a month after that we would be working, happily complaining about boastful shitless kids who drive our days nuts. And then by October we would become Graduates - with a Job, happily reenacting how we changed a kid's life, and how sucky our pengetua is.
And by december, we would all be lounging in Pulau Redang/Langkawi/Semporna/Phuket/Singapore/Sydney/Auckland/Agra/Macau/Paris/London/New York sipping coffee with our hard-earned money complaining about our workloads and how a crazy colleague keep on dumping his/her work on us because we are young, vibrant new teachers in school. And also maybe talk about marriages, babies and stuff.
In January last year, i personally made a list of things that I personally wanted for myself when i got my pay;
1) A new laptop
2) A broadband/streamyx/unifi/w1max
3) an Ipad
4) Ticket flight to London
5) books and books and books
6) Food and food and food
-you know, disturbingly hedonistic stuff...
around July, when i was suppose to get my job, we started to worry, maybe i will get my Ipad a little bit later than expected.
Around August, we had suddenly been promoted into useless sons/daughters who are 24 year olds but could provide to the family... suddenly getting an ipad became a small problem, we started to worry about bigger stuff like helping parents to do more than just helping them clean the lawn, wash the dishes, do the laundry.
we worry about paying bills, and our age, which is not suitable to be a penganggur.
Some got married because it was already planned, but with worrying hearts since they worry they cannot provide.
In desperation, some of works in a McD or other junkfood franchises. Lucky few got a job as a sub teacher...
some outstanding ones got a call from multi-national company offering them a job that pays a lot - only to reject it since we were bonded.
we were trying our hardest not to burden our parents.... most of us had parents who were over 60... we cannot afford to let them feed us... but come september, still no work...
Plethora of promises, false hopes were given by local ministers... all were none but disappointments...
Still, we put up brave faces in October while our graduation, pushed the sad face to the back of our numbing minds and tried to smile and laugh because heck- we graduated.
and then we became void souls again, waiting for jobs - or anything to happen.
nothing came... some of us came running when they heard the postman's riding pasts.
We jumped up like explosives in Hiroshima when our phone rings.
Nothing but phone company messages and astro bills in our inboxes.
and then a few of us made meetings with the big people up there in the plush cushions in parcel E.
and then they asked us to be interviewed. Finally we smiled in november, at least something for us to do.
came interview and gone. we became void again, like lost souls.
facebook became our only source of solace, only for some families who has internet.
we became bored, woke up to stare at walls only to have walls stared back at us as we fell asleep again.
wanted to meet our friends, cant drive - no money for petrol. Cant fly, use buses or trains - no money.
we made brave face as our aunts showed off her son who had now worked so happily and earning money as we feel useless and became a terrible burden to our parents.
still, we wait. A little hint was enough to make us cry with excitement, only to get fucked up again.
and then came December... we finished the year without having a job that we waited since July. we watched our facebook walls as our seniors complain about their heavy workload in the next year.
all we could think of was we wanted those workloads - we need the job. our life had became stock still, yet we aged.
we cannot move on.
and then 2012 came.
some of us moved into being 25... feeling so very ashamed that we still need to ask our parents for money to buy razor to shave our janggut/armpit hair.
feeling very ashamed that we had grew sideways.
feeling pointless since we dont have a job.
Feeling resentment as our seniors asked us to be patient and bersyukur since working world is not fun. being jobless is.
i bet all the pay made it feel better huh?
first week of 2012 is about to end, and good news is half of the 200 will get their job next monday. but the rest will have to wait until MArch. and i am one of those who had to wait again.
We feel like a person in a shipwreck, floating on the seas on a scrap of wood beating ourselves up on our stupid decision to board the ship (TESL program). And even the sea is not interesting sea with killer waves (angry students) or killer whales (workload) or sharks (senior teachers) or giant sea serpents (meetings). We are floating on still sea, completely still, with some small ripples (WKS tweets, SPP interviews, fights in FB pages) with nothing but horizons (no future) around us. We cannot see lands (solid hope) or rescue ships (Backup jobs that could free us from bonds). completely nothing. So we float, under the scorching sun (Shame of being jobless). Completely alone.
Maybe Allah is asking me to be patient. Maybe Allah is asking me to be thankful of my future job since we resent it so much when we were doing our practical.
Maybe Allah is asking my seniors to be thankful of their situation.
Maybe Allah is asking my juniors to be ready.
Maybe Allah is teaching me to deal with disappointments correctly.
Maybe I am needed more where i am right now.