My Heart Goes Out For You...

Semasa aku drive balik kampung tadi, aku terdengar satu lagu raya ni yang aku bukak full blast kat radio (pasal aku terlampau ngantuk)... probably pasal aku ngah drive, so aku pun menumpukan perhatian aku pada lirik lagu tu...

(Baca dalam keadaan ber-melodi)

Sedang kita bergembira

Jgn lupa yang tiadaaaaa!

aduh, tetiba aku terasa sedih, hari raya - walaupun aku da tak dapat duit raya, dan susah nak beli mercun, tapi ia adalah satu hari yang aku masih lagi rasa happy nye, terasa macam nak melompat tetiap pagi raya... kalau boleh aku nak tetiap hari jadi hari raya.

Tapi aku terkenang dekat kawan/kenalan aku sume yang dah mengalami peritnye kehilangan org yang mereka sayang. Aku tak pernah rasa lagi, Alhamdulillah, aku honestly tak dapat bayang apa perasaan aku nak lalu pagi raya tanpa org yang aku sayang, aku sendiri tak boleh comprehend betapa pedihnye hati aku nanti - sebab aku tahu hari itu akan datang.

Kebanyakan kawan2 aku dah merasa perasaan ini, aku tak dapat bayangkan apa yang mereka lalu. Aku cuma boleh kata sabar, tapi aku pun tak paham camne nak sabar. Honestly, seeing some of them talk about their loss openly telah menyebabkan aku nengok diorang in a different light - lebih berani, lebih kuat, lebih layak untuk dihormati.

Sebenarnya, aku nak taknak fikir bende ni semua, aku nak sambut raya aku in total ignorance that someday i may leave the world and never see my mother or my nieces again, i want to live in total ignorance to the fact that i may have to not see my parents again until the day i die. My heart is breaking everytime i am away from them, will i have the strength to face everyday without the knowledge of me having the freedom to lay my eyes on them whenever i want... God, i am not ready for that.

But, aku mahu sambut raya dengan gembira, tapi aku takkan lupa kepada yang sudah tiada, kepada yang dah rasa kehilangan, my heart goes out for you - aku tahu aku tak paham - so aku akan doakan untuk korang, aku akan doakan untuk mereka yang sudah tiada, aku akan doakan untuk kekuatan korang...

aku tahu aku tak patut mintak bende ni, but when the time comes, doakan untuk kekuatan aku, supaya aku boleh jadi kuat macam korang....

Lutut dan Rambut

Perbualan antara 2 kawan aku

Girl1: Waaaa.... nana (bukan nama sebenar) makin vogue ko sekarang!

Girl2: Eh... mana ada... biasa la ni...

Girl1: Dulu ko macam Ana Solehah, apa kes sekarang?

Girl2: Aku da clash ngan balak aku...

Girl1: Ooooo, dulu balak ko suruh pakai tudung ke?

Girl2: Ha... dia suruh aku buat banyak bende... sekarang aku da bebas...

Girl1: Pasal tu la ko tak pakai tudung sekarang...

Girl2: Kalau aku pakai tudung, aku rasa hipokrit, biarlah bila aku pakai tudung time aku ikhlas...

Azhar: ????????????????????

Kenapa Girl2 fikir yang dia akan rasa hipokrit ye? Aku tanya dia...

'ko tau kalo ko tak menutup rambut, leher dan tengkuk ko akan berdosa?'

Girl2: Ah, sudahlah Azhar, ko bukan baik sangat! Ko pun perangai macam sial gak, ada hati nak              nasihat aku! Ini adalah hak aku, badan aku, suka hati aku la nak pakai camne pun...

Korang perasan tak yang dia tak jawap soalan aku? Macam ni lah, mudah je aku nak analogikan bende ni... kalau aku suka minum arak (Untuk yang tak tau, Arak adalah haram - kerana dia memabukkan - kerana mabuk bole membawa kepada perkara2 yang tak boleh blah), dan kalau ada orang marah aku, aku pun jawap yang itu adalah hak aku... boleh ke ye? Arak dan showing off your body ni pun sama haram... kenapa nak wat bende haram n then kata itu adalah hak kita? 

Wow... itulah salahnya... badan kita bukan hak kita beb... itu hak yang Maha Kuasa Tuan punya dunia...

Semua manusia tak perfect dalam dunia ni... takkan Girl2 ni tadi nak tunggu aku jadi macam Rasul (yang memang mustahil la aku nak jadi macam Rasul Allah) baru aku boleh tegur kesalahan dia...

macam ni; kalau ada salah yang aku buat, tegurlah cara baik... kalau ada salah kamu buat, aku akan tegur dengan cara baik... aku akui, aku mmg bukan baik... aku masih lagi tak confident yang aku boleh melepaskan diri dari Azab neraka dalam dunia akhirat nanti... tetapi, jika aku ada kawan yang boleh mengingatkan aku... dan yang mengingatkan tu ramai, mesti aku pun jadi segan nak buat salah juga kan? Kalau semua saling mengingatkan... tak ke sihat komuniti kita?

Ni... ada lagi satu perbualan antara 2 kawan lelaki aku...

Boy1: Lekuk (bukan nama sebenar)! Apsal ko mandi sungai pakai baju ni?

Boy2: Ala... aku malas la bukak baju...

Boy1: Ko ni... macam bapuk la... cuba ko bukak baju... pastu ko pki suar panjang lak... lagi susah              nak berenang!

Boy2: Takpelah... aku tanak tunjuk lutut ngan pusat beb,,, aurat beb...

Boy1: Alamak!!! Poyo la lu bro!!! Bapuk bapuk je lah!

Yang ni pulak camne eh? Ni lah kalau kita ada kawan2 yang tak supportive lagi jahil ni... macam ni la jadi dia... seolah2 usaha boy 2 tersebut adalah salah di sisi undang2 sosial... camne la umat nak maju kalau camni?

Aku penah nengok citer Gol&Gincu, episod di mana salah seorang watak berhenti kerja sebab Boss dia wajibkan dia pakai tudung... dia kata kalau dia nak pakai tudung, biarlah dia ikhlas nak pakai... mmg lah bende tu betul... tapi mana boleh... aurat satu kewajipan... tak perlu tunggu diri ini ikhlas... kena sentiasa pakai... abide apa yang wajib... dah lah bende tu ditanyang kat TV... rosakkan minda kanak2 je... citer cam Muallaf tu ad yang nak ban... tapi citer Gol&Gincu tu patut kene ban.. 

ah.. tetiba aku jadi serius plak... Ntah la... aku cuma boleh berharap supaya org yang berfikir camne aku describe dalam dua perbualan tadi boleh nampak some sense....

This is what I know of Love

A few days ago, my lecturer asked my classmates and I what is the meaning of Love. It seemed like it was fate because I have just moved into the indifferent phase after a recent heartbreak (again!)… very recent, it was just two days before my lecturer asked us this question that I could hear my heart breaking.

So, I thought I want to take the safe way out, I want to write a very analytical concept about love, to show people as though I didn’t crave it. But my more dramatic side forces me to write something from my heart – at the time when I was writing, I thought that it was suppose to be in a written form, I did not know that my lecturer would soon ask me to read it out loud for everyone to hear, just wanted to share with you, this is what I wrote;

I think I don’t know what love is; I don’t how to describe it. But this is what I know of love;

I think, it is the feeling that I have whenever I think of my mother, it is the painful feeling that I felt, whenever I see my sisters are in pain. It is the pride when I know my brothers excel. It is the guilt that I feel, when I came to know of my father’s sacrifices and how I dare to call him unfeeling (my father is my hero!) It is the appreciation that I have for every drop of my mother’s sweat just to put clothes on my back.

It is the guilt that I felt every time I had to scold my nieces. It is the strangely warm/safe feeling that I have every time I think of my mother. It is the regret I feel whenever I think that I am to shy to hug my father. It is the guilt that I have when I have to tell my sister off when she wanted to call me during my lecture time. It is the guilt that I have every time I made my mother cry. It the breaking of my heart whenever I heard my nieces shouted my name to save them from whatever fear they are going through – be it a moving lorry or a dark room.

This is what I know of love – all those feelings.

Only a few people were called to read what they have written about love. I don’t know why my lecturer wanted to call me, before my turn – I have read what I wrote over and over again to practice my unfeeling-ness so that I wont cry when I read it out loud. But when it was my turn, I started to read, and I could not move on, I stopped at the word ‘mother’ and her image came to my mind. I felt a lump in my throat – I was about to cry. But I was determined to not cry in front of my whole judgmental classmates. I moved on, stopped every time when I reached at words like ‘Nieces, father, sisters or brothers’. The action of crying has been substituted to the major nervousness. My feet were shaking to the point that I can’t stand, I had to shake them to shake off the nerve in my feet. My hand were trembling to the point that my classmates in the front row were gaping. But I managed not to cry. Half of my classmates did not understand what I wrote because how i breath and stopped while i was reading it (mostly because i was trying not to cry), some of them came up to me and said ‘I nearly cried’. 

I just that – I cannot comprehend what love is. Being a major failure on relationships with girls – having my heart break time and time again by girls. So my family is the only reference of how I ‘feel’ when I love somebody. I think, those are the feelings that represent love – kinda morbid, but this is all I have.  

BABI! BABI! BABI!

Macam aku abru terbangun dari tidur...

2 tahun lepas, aku ada blajar satu buku ni (Untuk sastera: Aku kan org berseni) Tajuk dia The Lord of the Flies. Lepastu, adalah penulis buku tersebut menggunakan haiwan yang dipanggil babi sebagai satu symbolism untuk student2 sastera macam aku ni figure out apa point dia pakai haiwan tersebut. Aku pun dengan bangganya mengangkat tangan aku supaya lecturer notis aku... (Sebab aku mmg suka tunjuk pandai)...

"The author uses pigs as symbolism to show that the boys' behaviours are downright ugly, as the general pigs' nature... pig are dirty by nature"

Little did I know that dalam usaha aku mencapap itu, aku telah dikecam oleh classmates aku yang bukan beragama Islam. Maksud aku semasa aku cuba sampaikan 'Pigs are dirty by nature' tu adalah cara kehidupan babi-babi tersebut, yang suka bermandi lumpur, yang suka merodok tanah, yang selalu buat bunyi yang kelakar, dan tidak lupa juga pada rupa haiwan tersebut yang tak berapa sedap nak diapandang mata. aku tengah cakap pasal spesis babi hutan la ni, (teringat masa kecik2 aku ngan kawan2 aku terkene kejar ngan babi hutan semasa kami tengah best main guli)

Classmate aku time tu kata aku ni tak reti nak nengok dunia luar dari kacamata budaya aku....

Jeng jeng jeng... hari ini, baru aku paham apa maksud classmate aku.. (2 tahun seh aku nak amek untuk paham, dah kata, aku memang lembap!) 

Maksud classmate aku ni, dia nak kata macam aku ni babi-phobia la... dan aku juga benci pada haiwan tersebut... tapi aku baru nak take offend lebih sikit harini pasal aku rasa apa yang dimaksudkan oleh 'kacamata budaya' tu adalah Islam... agama yang aku cukup bertuah kerana dipilih untuk menganutnya...

Cis, apa yang mereka semua fikir Islam membenci babi? Apalah, walhal Tuan Punya Dunia ini sendiri yang mencipta haiwan tersebut, mengapa perlu aku benci?

Adalah reason mengapa Islam suruh umatnya jangan makan atau sentuh haiwan tersebut tapi tak mahulah aku menerangkan perkara tersebut disini, sebab ini bukan point aku...

Ada dua jenis manusia yang aku nak sampaikan post ini

1. Orang islam yang fobia kepada babi sampai nak sebut perkataan tersebut pun nak tukar jadi ba alif ba ya

2. Orang bukan Islam yang fikir Islam adalah agama yang menyuruh umatnya membenci babi...

Aku terserempak dengan kartun menghina islam semasa aku melayari internet, kartun tu menunjukkan sekumpulan babi memegang sepanduk yang menggambarkan Rasul Allah, dan ada sekumpulan orang yang berserban di depan babi-babi tersebut yang terkejut, terlompat dan marah...

beberapa sentimen dari kartun yang memang macam haram ini;

1. Dia menggambarkan Rasul Allah - ini mmg da lebey la

2. Dia menggambarkan yang umat islam ni babi-phobia...

selain dari nombor satu, umat islam tak patut pun rasa terhina...

aku tak paham, mengapa perlu kita fobia pada binatang tersebut? aku tak fobia pun... kenapa?

kalau ada babi depan aku, kompem aku lari kerana;

1. Aku malas nak samak kalau aku tersentuh

2. aku takut babi tu rodok aku, bole mati wooo

tapi ini semua tak menggambarkan yang kami Umat Islam ini fobia pada babi... so kenapa macam sampai ntv7 dan tv3 sanggup potong scene movie yang ada menggambarkan haiwan tersebut?

Movie adaptasi dari buku Goerge Orwell's Animal Farm telah diharamkan untuk masuk ke malaysia kerana watak2 utamanya adalah babi... tak paham aku (Aku nak nengok, pasala citer tu best) Buku tersebut pun pernah once diharamkan masuk Malaysia...

kenapa? kenapa semua ini berlaku? Kenapa sampai gambaran haiwan ini pun nak dipotong? Kenapaaaaaaa (Dramatik sikit).

Kepada yang bukan Islam, kami tak benci babi, Agama kami tak menyuruh kami membenci apa2 pun... kepada yang Islam... nape korg nak benci weh? cuba ko nengok betul2, anak babi tu comel... mak bapak dia je yang menakutkan....

Justifikasi aku kepada statement yang aku buat dua tahun lepas;

even curse word pun ade perkataan Babi, baik muslim atau non-muslim pun akan offended kalau kita panggil dia babi... so betul la babi is dirty? tak salah kan apa aku cakap? kalau salah, kenapa korang marah kalo org panggil kau babi? kenapa? kenapaaaaaaa? (Dramatik lagi)

Semua ini pasal tu la... tak de sape nak paham culture orang lain, tu jadik camni ni, sume dok bangga ngan bangsa sendrik, sampai hal remeh pasal babi pun nak gadoh, sampai tergerak aku nak wat post pasal bende ni... kalo kita saling memahami... takde la jadi camni... betul?

Off Being Gay...

There was one time when I finished my form 5, I went to work as a cashier. So usually cashiers are females, I was the only male cashier there – or at least I thought I was. When I was still in my training, I asked my trainer about my all-female colleagues, there was this one ‘Akak’ who did caught my attention, she was tall and thin and beautiful – and she turns out to be a guy! 

I was so shocked, being a 17 year old at that time, my horny-ness always urged me to fantasize about girls, and that ‘akak’, - before I knew he was a guy – have visited my dreams for quite sometime. Only after I knew, the dreams turns out to be a nightmare – something about a penis sprouting out from someone’s vagina – told you, a nightmare right? How much pressure can you put on a 17 year old?

So anyway, when I started going to college four years ago, my eyes was more exposed to these ‘girls who turns out to be a guy’ thing. I was educated by some of them that there are guys who looks like guys but looking for guys. Honestly, I don’t really understand. Most of us don’t understand how guys can look for penis rather than boobs… most of us turns a blind eye if we know that our friends enjoys sexual pleasure from a same sex partner.  

Some of these ‘guys who love guys’ people are discriminated, at some time they were abused, another time they were mocked at, some certain time they were raped (?) by some of the straight guys. Sometimes, they were approached by a religious group asking them to stop being gay – this brings me to the next question – Is being a homosexual a choice?

                       Which one would you choose? Megan or Brad?  

                                                                 
If it was a choice, why do these people choose to be one? Are they mad? I honestly don’t understand how can a guy reject boobs – (Imagining Megan Fox running in slow-motion, in a tight see-through white shirt, without any bra on – oh my God!) The idea of a naked Megan Fox can make any guy crosses their leg, so how can some guys turn down the idea of a naked Megan Fox and opt for a naked Brad Pitt instead? So, is it really a choice? If I was given a choice – Megan Fox, HERE I COME!!! 

Some of the Homosexual guys that I know said that, they were that way since the day they were born. Huh, is it really inborn, did God really make them that way? Some religious group told me that that this is not the case. Making love to a same sex partner is a sin, so is it true that the feelings are inborn? 

There is this Movie – Sutun, which had made me, opened my eyes about the homosexuals. (You should really watch the movie):

 It is said in this movie, the boy, who is homosexual – after being rejected by the Man who is also his tutor. Went back crying and he did the Solat Sunat Taubat.  Then he sat, thinking how can he overcome the feelings, he decided to accept the Feelings but never to indulge in it again, he said it is Jihad, ‘Jihad Melawan Nafsu’ means War to go against his desires. Since most religion condemns the same sex relationship.

This is when I got thinking. We always have problems right? Out of Money, family members or best friends dying, broken up with boyfriend/girlfriend – but it is a common understanding that all problems are actually tests from God to see how much faith do we have in Him. So, I think, God loves people with these ‘same sex’ desires more, he gave the feelings to them to test them 24/7 how much faith do these people have in Him, how long can they stand before they commit a sin, and do they repent if they do. Every time when we have problems, we have the tendencies to resort to do something stupid – which is always sinful, so for these ‘Homo’ guys, will they resort to do something sinful?

My conclusion is, if there is any ‘Homo’ guys out there, you are actually blessed, you have problems in which when you have patience against – you are given rewards more than you think. After all, we are not living for this world, we are living for the next.

For the people who think that they are normal, don’t abuse/discriminate/rape these people. Help them to stay strong against the feelings, because indulging in it is wrong, turn a blind eye as a friend committing a sin is also sinful. Let’s help these heroes, Mana tau dapat sikit-sikit tempias pahala diorg?

“Allah tidak membebani seseorang melainkan apa yang terdaya olehnya. Dia mendapat pahala kebaikan yang diusahakannya, dan dia juga menanggung dosa kejahatan yang diusahakannya.”
                                                                                                                        (Surah Al-Baqarah: 286)
   

Mengapekah colour kulit aku dihakimi?

Kenape mesti colour kulit aku nak kene judge?

4 tahun lepas, semasa aku berkerja sebagai seroang cashier yang berjaya di sebuah hypermarket di kampungku, zaman ini adalah zaman Jaclyn Victor baru menang Malaysian Idol. Penuh corong radio dok mendendangkan lagu dia Gemilang - aku yg memang berminat ngan Jaclyn Victor penat menghafal lagu tu - takde la menghafal cam aku menghafal sifir 9, aku hafal pasal aku asik dengar je.

Nak disebutkan kisah, radio kat tempat kerje aku time tu tak habis2 mendendangkan lagu Gemilang tersebut. Sampai la kalau aku tengah melayan customer pun mulut aku boleh masih terkumat kamit menyanyi lagu tu jugak (takdela kuat sgt). Sampai la muncul seorang makcik ni nak membayar, aku pun melayan la makcik ni sambil mulut aku menyanyi... tetiba je makcik ni tercakap;

'Eh, pandai anak india sekarang nyanyi lagu melayu kan?'

Aku terdiam, ish, takkan la aku sorg je kot anak india yang boleh nyanyi lagu melayu? Aku tergamam jap, tangan aku pun turut berhenti dari nak scan barang yang makcik tu nak beli. Pastu aku senyum la, tak taw ape aku nak jawap, umo aku 17 mase tu, mentah lagi (haha).

'Selalu ke dengar lagu melayu?'

'Selalu jugak la MakCik' Aku menjawap sambil tersenyum tanpa ikhlas.

'Wah, anak cakap takde slang india kan?'

ish makcik ni, sume India cakap mesti ade slang ke? Same je la kalo org melayu cakap tamil mesti ade slang lain. Kenape la mak aku tak ajar aku cakap tamil, rase rugi tau tak?

'Anak ni, orang melayu ke bela?'

aku hanya mampu mengelengkan kepala, bila la barang makcik nak abes ni?

'Tak sangka org india pun minat nyanyi lagu melayu' MakCik tu sambung lagi...

'Er... MakCik, Jaclyn Victor pun india makcik... tapi dia nyanyi lagu melayu' aku membalas....

Aku pelik lepas makcik tu belah, aku pandang sekelilingku - ntah berapa ramai yang fikir aku tak pandai berkata dalam bahasa kebangaan Malaysia ini... oh aku sayangkan bahasa Melayu... tapi kenapa pasal kaler kulit aku org fikir aku bangang ha? Tipu la kalo kate org india tak pandai cakap bahasa melayu... jangan la stigma kan... tensen betul aku...

Aku ade membe ni, nama dia Siamala, seorang anak India jugak macam aku, tapi kelebihan dia adalah dia pandai bertutur dalam bahasa tamil (masih lagi tensen yang mak aku tak ajar aku bahasa tamil). Tapi korg nak tau tak? dia masuk debat bahasa melayu kot... dan bole plak dia menang... so? apa masalahnye lagi? kenape nak cakap 'wow, seorg india masuk debat... hebat!' La... dia org malaysia gak... macam kau dan aku... komfem la dia bole memperhebatkan diri dalam bahasa melayu....

Ni la, orang malaysia ni tak abes2 nak pikir yang bahasa tu milik satu bangsa, agama milik satu bangsa... weh... sume bende tu tuan punye dunia yang punye la! Sume org bole gunakan bahasa tu... sibuk ngan identiti... naik bosan aku... rilek2 sudah... sukati aku la kalo aku ni india nak ckp bahasa ape pun... ish ta paham aku..

Ntah la... sampai kekadang bile aku masuk masjid pun ade orang tegur aku ni muallaf ke... la... takkan la aku sorang je yang bermuka tak macam melayu masuk masjid... takkan la agama islam tu org melayu punye?

Mase aku tunggu bas haritu kan... tetiba ade satu mamat india ni... dia da pandang aku senyum2 da... aku ingat dia syok kat aku.. meremang gak la bulu roma aku... (sebab aku bukan gay) pastu tetiba dia datang dekat... aku tau la aku ensem... tapi aku ingat dia tertarik kat aku... rupanya dia nak check aku ni bangsa ape...

'Tamil terrimma (tahu bahasa tamil ke)?' Aku paham la yg ni... sebab ni mudah sgt...

'Sikit2' Aku balas dalam bahasa melayu... mmg sumpah aku ta pandai cakap... mak aku org tamil, bapak aku benggali... dua2 cakap bahasa lain... pasal tu la diorg decide bahasa melayu sbg bahasa kebangsaan dalam umah aku.

Pastu dia ketawakan aku... aku da tak puas hati... apsal lak ni? Aku cam nak hagul je pale mamat ni kat tiang. Pastu adla plak membe aku kat sebelah aku ni (Yang ngah tunggu bas ngan aku la) mnyuarakan pendapat;

'Dia ingat dia sedare ko'

Ish, mmg la aku ngan mamat tu serupa, sebangsa, bole plak dia nak ketawekan aku ta pandai cakap bahasa tamil (makin membuak tensen aku kat mak aku pasal tak ajar aku bahasa tamil)

Tapi ntahla... aku pun, yang lahir dalam keluarga campur pelbagai identiti ni tersangat la kompius, kenapa mesti nak maintain identity yang mempunyai ciri solid yang takleh nak tukar...? Tuan punye dunia cipta bende ni dalam keadaan pelbagai supaya kita berusaha mengenal dan menimba ilmu (motivasi ku) bukan untuk kita declare yang sesuatu ciri itu milik kita?

Walhal badan/body kita yang hot ni pun hanyalah pinjaman dari tuan punye dunia... bukan milik kita... lagilah bahasa dan bangsa...

bodo betul org yang judge aku paki kaler kulit aku... tensen...

Perception, performance and reputation

You know, I was sitting around at home, being a very effective couch potato when my mind wanders back into my memories of myself when i was in standard six.

A week before the UPSR, my crazy Math teacher made a 'latih tubi' week. It was like, we have to go to school and spend our time answering math questions... it was like a test that would never end!

However, my teacher made the tests very interesting, he created a chart, for every test, who got the highest and second place and the third, and those who etched their name on the big noticeboard in front of the hall will get praises like they'd never heard - I was striving to have my name there, it was like you can be popular if you have your name on the chart! (Who'd thought being a Math whizz can make you cool?)

I tried really hard untill one day, suddenly after my arduos math-cramming - I made it into the chart - and I etched my name as the number 1 of the day! Suddenly the thought of maintaning the position got into my head - I was willing to make anything to maintain my name in the chart.

There were these two frineds, who always made it into the chart, but they always cheated! They would send notes through their erasers to each other to communicate - after i got my name up in the chart, cheating was the only way for me to maintain myself. SO before the next test, i told the two friends that I want in into their little scheme - and I did.

So, i think God wants to punish me for thinking those evil thoughts, when my friend threw his eraser to me, my teacher - I think he appeared in the mid throw magically! - caught it! And guess what? My dumb of a friend actually wrote my name on the eraser, and I was caught, not only that, the teacher actually announced it to everyone, and get this - because my name was on the eraser - my name was the only one mentioned, oh the horror.

Anyway for that test, I did not make it to the chart, actually my marks for that test was absolutely horrendous, I got 42% (yes, I remembered). And when my teacher was passing out the marks, he actually said to his colleague and in front of my classmates

'See what he got from the test, this is what he could do without cheating'

Yeah, I cried...

Anyway, if you think that wasn't bad enough, here's one better. I was actually clever in primary school - I always aced my test - only that math was not my favourite - in fact i hate math! That is why when the chart was created only for math, i want to maintain my fame even there. Well, my classmates lost their faith in me, they said that I always cheated to aced my other tests. That actually hurt me - a lot.

The news of that little incident made its way all the way to my mom's ears - who is always brutal when it comes to marks, well I have said there brutal, so you can only imagine what happend to me afterwards.

I was at the finish line, we were there - about to take the UPSR, I was a star in primary school, but my reputation tarnished moments before i crossed the finish line just because i made that one mistake!

It was funny really, how the perception of people changed after you made a mistake, but who can blame them? I was wrong.

One little slip, and that was it! Reputation was everything back then, and i screwed mine up!